by Mira Kirshenbaum |
Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage by Lee Raffel |
by Mira Kirshenbaum
"Should I Stay or Go?"
by
Lee Raffel
You've gone through a lot to get to this point.
You've hoped that love would be enough. And you've worked to resolve the problems in your relationship. And you've tried to accept things the way they are.
And you've agonized over the possibilty of leaving.
But you've haven't known what to do. Now you're ready to face the choice that's been weighing on your heart. That's what this book is for - to help you discover which is best for you. ~From the first page of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
Until now, couples facing the dilemma of deciding whether or not to stay
in an unhappy marriage had three options: individual or couples therapy,
separation, or divorce.
Should
I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your
Marriage
READER'S COMMENTS ON
Too
Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether
to Stay In or Get Out of Your
Relationship
I imagine most readers of Mira Kirshenbaum's
"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" are leaning towards the going. Most
of us tend not to mess with the good, or spend time analyzing why we feel
bliss; rather we seek out deeper understanding only when something hurts.
Human nature, I suppose. Take notice only when life becomes a pain. But as
I read Kirshenbaum's easy to absorb guide on fencesitting relationships,
I realized this is a good read even for the best of relationships. Even for
those currently between relationships. Why not gain understanding as a
preventative measure and avoid the iffy relationship entirely?
Kirshenbaum's book uses a series of diagnostic questions to ascertain if
a relationship weighs more heavily on the side of staying or leaving. Yet,
even as she encourages insights, Kirshenbaum, a trained psychotherapist who
offers relationship counseling in Boston, is careful to remain in neutral
territory, making no hard and fast judgments. A good therapist, after all,
doesn't make decisions for you, or even give advice, as much as she offers
guidelines and helps you find the answers for yourself, the right ones for
you. Kirshenbaum stays on the up and up throughout. Even when a diagnostic
appears to point to a major GO! she gently states: your situation may be
different. Fencesitting? Nah. While we are all the same, as human beings,
we are also all unique, and our relationships especially so. Take with grain
of salt, then, and a recommendation to talk to a therapist one on one if
truly stuck.
That said, I enjoyed this book and found myself recommending it to several
others, regardless of their relationship status quo. The diagnostic questions
are good ones. They lead to a good, long look in the mirror, a reassessing
of one's own emotional well being, and gauging that one is in, or out, of
a relationship for all the right and healthy reasons. And, if you are in
a good relationship, the many yes's to Kirshenbaum's questions can rejuvenate
any fencesitter, giving new appreciation for maybe what was pretty darn good
all along. It's always nice to know you're doing just
fine.~Zinta
READER'S COMMENTS ON
Should
I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your
Marriage
If you have been in a marriage relationship
for sometime, as I have, and yet that relationship is less healthy than you
believe it should be, this book may be for you. I found this book to offer
a plan that is a sensible alternative to giving up, getting ugly, or even
"making do". Not everyone is angry and wants out of a marriage, at least
not without trying everthing possible to mend or reinvigorate the relationship.
Lee Raffel offers a blueprint for exploring whether or not a relationship
can be "fixed" or saved. Because Raffel's suggestion of controlled separation
is negotiated between the two parties, there is buy-in by both parties, at
least on some level. Raffel clearly and succinctly lays out the plan, even
offering assistance with the negotiating part of the process. She includes
everything from how to broach the subject with your spouse, how to tell the
kids, how to handle the money, whether or not to seek professional counseling,
etc. The book is not written in a "clinical" manner; it is written for the
average reader. Also, there are many examples of each step in the process
that helpfully illustrate the details from Raffel's case studies.
It is my belief that anyone who may cousel or give advice to someone whose
marriage is less than satisfying should read this book. I would think that
in particular pastors, who may not be as skilled as they would like when
dealing with couples in crisis, might find this a helpful technique to
utilize.~Emma
READER'S COMMENTS ON
Too
Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether
to Stay In or Get Out of Your
Relationship
I read this book when I was engaged to be married, and it's the best thing
I could have done. I was stuck in what the author calls "relationship
ambivalence", where I was caught up in deciding whether my fiancé
was the "perfect" man for me, and whether I really wanted to commit my entire
life to him. My doubts were starting to take a toll on our relationship,
and as the wedding date got closer, it only got worse. That's when I thought
of seeking help and found this book. By the end of the book, I realized that
my relationship was truly too good to leave. It helped me recognize the many
great things that my fiancé and I have going for us. The book was
a huge relief for me. I was able to let go of my doubts once and for all,
and I have never been happier. My fiancé and I will be married soon
and I cannot wait to walk down the aisle and say I Do! I highly recommend
this book to anyone having doubts about their relationship. It is easy to
read and helps you take a good look at what you're getting or not getting
from your relationship, and what you need to be
happy.~Anon
READER'S COMMENTS ON
Should
I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your
Marriage
You know that you are in an unhealthy relationship. And, you have repeatedly
PROVEN you cannot work it out under the same roof.
But you don't want a divorce. And you don't want things to stay the same....
Whoah: There is another option to those 2 extremes! CONTROLLED separation.
{Note: 2 Marriage therapists got rich off us & FAILED us because they
lacked this vision. To them: PLEASE READ THIS BOOK. Can't hurt to add to
your repetoire!}
This book helped me break that paralyzing fear of staying 10 more years VS.
cutting all ties & being suddenly alone.
It gives you structure. You work out your own contract, with or without
therapists. Once apart, you can conduct a productive exploration of your
self & your relationship. And talk to each other as you decide, on a
VERY limited schedule, to see how it is going. No fault finding, no blaming.
(We each have therapists and support groups on the wagon for this venting.)
Read chapter "My Marriage is Making Me Sick" first. Then, read the "Differences
between trial and controlled sep.". This was better for my husband's attention
span. Then, he was hooked.
Then get a 6 month lease somewhere. If you have a verbally/emotionally distant,
abusive or very insensitive mate, this may mean PEACE for you the 1st time
in years.
THE GOAL IS: Happy, healthy reunification. But -- If nothing else, this approach
lets you KNOW you tried EVERYTHING you could before divorcing. And you learn
how to avoid similarly BAD partner match-ups for the
future.~SkySong
READER'S COMMENTS ON
Too
Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether
to Stay In or Get Out of Your
Relationship
After a 20+ year
marriage to a decent guy who was a good provider but not in any way my true
friend, lover or life's partner, I had tried everything imaginable to make
sense of my commitment -- especially because we had two children. I sought
years of psychotherapy, read a library's worth of self-help books, listened
to every "relationship expert" from Tony Grant to Barbara DeAngelis to Dr.
Laura, always searching, concentrating to the point of exhaustion, to glean
that essential kernel of truth that would illuminate the path I should take
to find acceptance and happiness. But I could find no peace, no resolution,
no answers.
FINALLY, this book gave me the tools I needed to understand the many issues
and problems that weighed so heavily in my marraige. Mira Kirshenbaum provided
the template I needed to lay over my decades of ambivalence. Her direct,
snappy writing style was a breeze to read. Her observations cogent and concise.
She makes no bones about taking a clear stand and expressing a firm opinion
about whether people where happier that they stayed or left a relationship
when the issues she explored were identifed as problems.
She gave me the language to articulate and define my marital problems. It
became undeniably clear to me that I would be happier if I left. With tremendous
relief and some real trepidation, I gave myself the freedom to leave for
my 46th birthday present. Fast forward two years -- I have never been happier!
I recently reread the book and my second thorough reading reinforced my initial
interpretations. I am now using Kirshenbaum's criteria to judge whether my
current relationship meets my needs in the categories that are most important
to me. YEAH! Success! This book has even helped me explain the complexities
of relationships to my own daughters and what makes for a quality relationship
with a long term chance for success.
For the first time as an adult I am living an authentic life that I am proud
to model for my children. I am absolutely sure that this book saved my life!
I am grateful beyond words for the clarity that this book provided. You will
be too!~Peacemaker
READER'S COMMENTS ON
Should
I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your
Marriage
I bought this book as if looking for permission to do what I thought I wanted
to do. I ate it up, because it gives such clear directions--with thorough
explanations of every term or idea with case studies & every-day real-life
examples. It is so fair to both parties in a relationship that my husband--who
had fought this trongly--was willing to accept it, discuss it (!!!), and
even plan a date that was more financially feasible for this to work!
Meanwhile I have a therapist who against all ethical rules of her profession,
keeps interjecting her opinion & retracting it (one week she TELLS me
to leave the guy, the next week she's ok that I didn't, adding to my confusion!),
making my stuckness even worse. I'm stuck still, after reading this book,
because my husband took me seriously when he saw this book on the coffee
table every night, obviously well read, ear marked, highlighted, etc. LOL
NOW he's listening, NOW he's paying attention & changing the harmful
behaviors I could not live with. This book still sits there on the coffee
table, the contract still sits on my computer hard drive where I saved "our"
version & it is all ready to use at a moment's notice. This makes it
easier to take one last look at the possibility of staying together.
The sample contract is in the front of the book--the rest of the book explains
how the contract works. Each couple can customize the contract specifically
for their own issues--but the reason the rating is a 4 instead of a flat
out 5 is that it does NOT include sample contracts for different situations,
nor examples of how to fill out the contract specifically. Still, it gives
enough information that couples could choose to do this easily without a
therapist's guidance if desired, and in case that worked better for him &
I to do this on our own (without my therapist making it worse with her own
issues projected into ours).
We're both discovering our dysfunctional family roots & the damage caused
in our childhood from abuse, neglect, being forced to create false selves
because our real one's weren't acceptable to our mentally sick parents. This
journey is bringing us together in a healing way to change our self-defeating
behaviors. I chose him because of a sick part of myself just as he chose
me for his own sick reasons. Now we're rooting out those issues & have
hope. It ALL started with THIS book, as we both knew if we split there would
be no coming back.
Good luck on your journey & if you too are stuck & can't decide because
one day your SO is being great but most days suck, this book gives you the
clear directions you need to get UN-stuck, however that may work out for
YOU. And if a separation IS in the picture, this is the fairest version going
to keep you (or create) advocates instead of
adversaries.~Ginazone
READER'S COMMENTS ON
Too
Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether
to Stay In or Get Out of Your
Relationship
The day I got this book I had an appointment to look at renting a house. I was moving out....going, going, gone. I started reading and then I started to cry, my husband and I were deep into relationship ambivalence. The more I read the more I realized that this relationship was too good to leave. The questions are very thought provoking and to the point. I have loaned this book to friends who are finding it helpful in guiding them to their own personal truths regarding thier relationships. It's a great read for anyone "sitting on the fence".~DiggityDo
READER'S COMMENTS ON
Should
I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your
Marriage
After several attempts at trying
to repair my marriage on my own, this book was highly recommended by my
therapist. I reluctantly agreed to read it thinking it would be like all
the others I had read before that didnt seem to help. After reading the book,
I decided to approach my husband with the idea of the controlled separation
(CS). Much to my surprise, he agreed to sit down and discuss it (even though
he won't take the time to read it). So far, we have come up with our own
CS contract and although it isn't perfect we are working on the marriage.
The CS has helped us to diffuse our anger and work on something together
without all the fighting and hostility that was interjected into all our
conversations.
The one thing I wish the book would have offered is more of a detail outline
on how to implement the CS. I was also surprised at the author's advice over
certain issues in the CS, such as dating others. For those whose marriages
have been threatened by infidelity, this area could be especially painful.
My recommendation is to read the book and then work with your therapist/counselor
to help with the areas that you and your spouse may not agree on. Even if
my marriage does not work out, at least I will be better prepared for a divorce,
having completed the CS first.~Leesa
READER'S COMMENTS ON
Too
Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether
to Stay In or Get Out of Your
Relationship
This book is an absolute life-saver. When I had tried everything, when all my goodwill was exhausted, when I knew I had to end the marriage but still didn't understand why, when I wondered if it was me or was it him? This book provided answers to all those very difficult questions. Mira's book was the only book I have ever read which provided validation for my own experience and then helped me to see what was really going on. Mira doesn't ever tell you what to do or what you should do. Through a diagnostic process she gently leads you to discover your own truth. This book restores your self trust and self confidence. Extremely empowering. Easily the best book on the planet for the layperson stuck in a confusing relationship. If you have tried and tried and tried to make a relationship work and still there are problems - this book is for you. As Mira so eloquently puts it, "when you end a relationship that deserves to end, you're liberating two people to move on to better lives". This book will help you to discover whether or not your relationship is too good to leave.~Margaret-Ann
READER'S COMMENTS ON
Should
I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your
Marriage
This book was exactly what I needed when I knew the actual legal separation
wouldn't address the problems in my marriage to a positive solution. My husband
and I love each other but we are in a difficult situation with an drug addicted
son/step-son and our own personal boundaries. This book helped us walk through
how to separate with love and a joined purpose to work this through to the
right conclusion, whatever it might be. It was very helpful and stood alone
the positive use of separation as a means to a long and healthy
marriage.~Katherine
READER'S COMMENTS ON
Too
Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether
to Stay In or Get Out of Your
Relationship
Before reading this book, I was concerned whether the author would try to
sway her readers towards a certain answer... Would that answer imply that
most relationships are too bad to stay in and we should settle for nothing
less than perfect? But it didn't. The book focuses on what's important for
you and offers 35 questions and guidelines to help sort through those things.
And if you are looking for that yes/no answer, it could certainly help you
to arrive to it. Or at least be a good learning
experience.~Inna
Read more or
order your copies of
Too
Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether
to Stay In or Get Out of Your
Relationship
or
Should
I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your
Marriage
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